The Secret Diaries of Dungeons and Dragons
by Kryschenn
Summary: What REALLY happened as our favorite heroes traipsed across the Realm? Were their adventures as the cartoon presented them, or was that just a sugar-coating of the sordid and shocking truth? Enjoy the insanity!
1. Dungeon Master

_What REALLY happened as our favorite heroes traipsed across the Realm? Were their adventures as the cartoon presented them, or was that just a sugar-coating of the sordid and shocking truth? Find out in The Very Secret Diaries of Dungeons and Dragons!_

_(For the sake of continuity, read them in the order they're listed. No jumping around to your favorite characters first!)_

_The following foray into complete insanity is a collaborative effort. The Secret Diaries of Venger, Bobby, Eric and Diana are by Zakiyah. The Secret Diaries of Sheila, Hank, Presto, Rahmoud, Uni and Orc #341 are by Kryschenn. The Secret Diary of Dungeon Master by Bubbles Hentai._

_Your journey begins with..._

The Secret Diary of Dungeon Master

**Day 1: **Day 1: ALRIGHT!!! I am finally DA MAN!! Who's number one?! Who's number one?!!! About time that old geezer kicked off. Unfortnately however, I've had to assume the same form as all previous Dungeon Masters so as to keep up the fiction that there's been only one DM from the dawn of time. And I'm so buff too!This is really gonna put a kink in my sex life. Dammit.

ྭ

**Day 5: **Good lord, it's absolutely amazing the stuff people will put up with just because I'm "Dungeon Master". They'll believe any lame piece of crap I pull out of my ass and call a riddle! This is great! I haven't had so much fun since I convinced Zandora that fooling around cures zits.

ྭ

**Day 70: **I've discovered that the Realm does not, in fact, fall apart if I assume a disguise and sneak off for a few hours to have a little tryst now and then. It's amazing where a good disguise'll get you. *wink wink nudge nudge*

ྭ

**Day 1,069: **Aww shit!! Here I am, minding my own business DM-ing and having fun and out of the blue here comes this chick with a little bundle of joy, claiming he's MINE!!! Geez, you brag just once about who you really are and every girl under the suns think they can stick you with paternity. Am consulting my lawyer.

ྭ

**Day 1,173: **Dammit!! After an extensive court battle the skirt won the right to child support and stuck me with visitation every other weekend. This is really gonna put a kink in my love life, again. Maybe I can win full custody and ditch the child support and stick the kid in day-care.

ྭ

**Day 1,697: **Whoops. Must remember not to snap my fingers while telling people to hurry up. Too bad about that one village but they do have a certain charm as bog beasts. I'll stick em underground so word doesn't get around and give them some stupid prophecy or other so they won't feel quite so bad about it.

ྭ

**Day 2,041:** Finally won full custody and termination of mother's rights. Amazing what you can get when you threaten to expose the Judge's Dragons Bane habit. However, he did stick me with training the kid up in a craft. On other hand, ready-made apprentice here so no need to dig through all those applications. Sweet.

ྭ

**Day 2,245: **Venger coming along nicely with his magical studies. He's really quite the diligent pupil, always studying and and asking questions and digging up new stuff all on his own and never complains. I can't imagine what's wrong with him.

ྭ

**Day 2,601:** Venger told me to mind my own damn business today when I asked him what was with the shadowy creature I found in his room. Hallelujah Praise the Lord!! Maybe he's my kid after all! About time he showed some bal… Er, backbone.

ྭ

**Day 2,968:** Am doubting Venger's paternity again. Today I left a nice little surprise in his room for his birthday. And what does he do? He shoved the poor girl, still naked like I left her, out into the hallway and slams the door in her face! I heard him muttering something about disturbing his concentration. Gonna have to have me a talk with that boy. On the upside, I consoled the dear girl quite nicely.

ྭ

**Day 3,318:** Dammit. Stuck with another paternity suit.

ྭ

**Day 4,144:** Have started placing my all my 'mistakes' with unsuspecting sucke… eh, nice people who desperately want kids. Parents killed in tragic accident, blah blah blah… Have tried to lock down potential powers but occasionally one or two is 'special'. Good thing those villages are so easy to rebuild.

ྭ

**Day 4,468:** Have started an orphanage for all the kids I seem to be fathering. Don't any of these twits know how to use birth control?!?!?!

ྭ

**Day 4,942:** Not sure Venger is really my son. He seems to have the libido of a rock. Not a single unplanned pregnancy yet that I'm aware of.

ྭ

**Day 5,191:** Dammit, am I gonna have to draw the boy a diagram? And why does he hang around with that shadow demon all the time? I think there's something going on there. Not good.

ྭ

ྭ


	2. Venger

Secret Diary of Venger

**Day 1: **Just started my new apprenticeship with DM! Always heard how wise and wonderful he is. Also heard he is my father, but believe that is a vicious rumor started by someone with jealousy issues. I will devote my life to helping the forces of Good. Red is definitely my color.

**Day 3:**Is this guy for real?

**Day 5: **Wondering if farming wasn't so bad...still, learned to shoot pretty sparkles from my fingertips today. Go me!

**Day 7:**Wondering if "good" is worth it. Must ask DM to explain his vision for my future.

**Day 8:**Stupid riddles! Stupid DM!

**Day 9: **Bored, bored, bored....hmm, what's this little box?

~later~

Made a new friend! Won't tell me his name, but by signing a little form I get a whole new wardrobe, immortality and phenomenal cosmic powers!! Woo HOO! Go me!

~later~

Signing in blood- always a bad idea. Turns out I have to conquer the Realm, too. Damned fine print! D'OH! So much for helping the forces of good. Hoping DM doesn't find out.

**Day 11:**Stupid DM. I'll show HIM!

**Day 365:** Am contemplating wardrobe change. Red and gold just doesn't work for me. Shadowdemon tells me I'm SO a 'winter' now. ALMOST Ruler of the Realm!

**Day 366: **Note to self: never trust anything that little twerp says. Must remember to annihilate village tomorrow to keep rumors of....ahem!... from escaping.

**Day 800:** Embarrassing incident at Tardos Keep. Hoping nose will grow back. Nearly Ruler of the Realm. Just a few more days ought to do it.

**Day 8007: **Stupid DM. Still no nose. Still not Ruler of the Realm yet. ARGH.


	3. Sheila

The Secret Diary of Sheila

**Day 1:** Going to the amusement park today. Sure we'll have a wonderful time. Maybe will sweet-talk Hank into riding Tunnel of Love? So glad friends don't mind bringing Bobby along. He may be a twerp but he is my brother and I love him. Promised friends he won't be a problem

**Day 2:** Why did we have to bring that idiot Bobby along? Stupid kid. "Oh, look, the Dungeons and Dragons ride!" If he hadn't picked that ride we wouldn't be in this mess, wherever we are. Why does he have to be MY brother?

And WHAT is with this hemline?

**Day 3: **Figured out what's with the hemline. This Dungeon Master twerp is just the right height to look up my skirt when he talks to me. Creep. Hard to look sweet and innocent showing off my butt half the time, but at least my costume's not as revealing as Diana's.

Still, the cloak's pretty cool. Great way to make sure no one sees when I break out in zits. Even better for spying when the guys bathe. No one would ever suspect that of sweet little Sheila! Ha!

**Day 5:** Venger stopped us from getting home. Worried about Bobby. Seems to be doing an awful lot of Scrappy-Doo impressions suddenly. Hope he's not going out of his mind here.

**Day 7:** Ugh. WHERE is some good chocolate when a girl needs it?

**Day 11:** Hank claims that his bow getting caught in my hem and lifting my skirt was 'just an accident.' We shall see. Will 'accidentally' hide his tights when he bathes tonight.

Lucky I was wearing my plain-Jane white cotton panties today. Might be bad for sweet and innocent reputation if others saw silk leopard-print thong. Still, beginning to wonder where that thong went?

**Day 14:** Aaah! Realm has four suns! Breaking out in freckles right and left! No sunscreen, no lipstick, not even a decent eyeliner in this place. What am I going to do?

**Day 15: **Saved a kingdom from certain destruction.

**Day 16 : **Looks like we're broke again.

**Day 18: **Venger stopped us from getting home. Worried about Presto. He looks like such a sweet and innocent kid, sort of inspires my maternal instinct.

-Later-

Stupid Presto. Had to explain that 'mothering instinct' does not imply an offer to breastfeed. Either is really stupid or really sly.

**Day 20:** Uni seems to hang out with Bobby more than anyone. Sort of hurts my feelings. But maybe they'll go off and play together and ignore us. They keep 'accidentally' popping in on us when I try to sneak a kiss or a cuddle or a grope from Hank. Can't let them catch me doing that, Bobby will think big sister not so sweet and innocent after all.

**Day 23: **Couldn't take the whining any more. Turned invisible and shoved Eric head first into the Putrid Swamp. Them made big show of worrying about him to throw off suspicion.

**Day 29**: Venger stopped us from getting home. Worried about Diana.

**Day 32:** Presto has the hots for some girl named Varla. Hmph. What does he see in her? Just because she runs around in a nightie all the time. Honestly. Perverts. She doesn't know the first thing about appearing sweet and innocent!

**Day 34:** Had a teensy little mix-up today and accused Hank of killing Bobby and betraying us all. Had it all backwards. Kicked him out to fend for himself amongst all those nasty orcs and chilly, windy weather. Oops, silly me. Well, I was all cranky and PMSing, what do they expect?

**Day 36:** Still feeling awful about whole Cloud Bear incident. Or possibly could feel bad because of Cloud Bear cooking. Went for moonlight walk with Diana to talk and maybe feel better. Diana seemed awfully interested in trying on my costume. Drunk? Let her try it on, but heard the boys coming and disappeared as Diana seemed to be getting awfully grabby.

**Day 37: **Worrying about Bobby. He seems changed since being captured, more angry, though he is still laughing about last night. Such a terrible incident must have affected him profoundly.

**Day 44:** Ooooh! Gold dragons! Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty...

**Day 53:** Venger stopped us from getting home. Eric next in rotation, so worried about him. For about five minutes. Then he started whining again.

**Day 58:** Some monster tried to eat Bobby today. Its bite was poisonous, but it turns out the monster ran off and died. Apparently Bobby was poisonous to it, too.

Also, some creep by the name of Sir Lawrence asked me to be his Queen today. Sure, the riches might be nice, but this guy is older than my father! Ugh! Dirty old man. Probably preys on sweet, innocent girls. Worse pervert than Dungeon Master.

**Day 69:** Discovered that animals in the Realm tend to like me. Was petting a cute striped feathered thing when Eric startled both of us. Never suspected it was a feathered skunk. Will have to find another one and plant it in Eric's cloak when he's sleeping.

Worrying more and more about Bobby. Could have sworn I heard him giggling when Hank nearly died in earthquake this morning.

**Day 70: **Don't like Zandora. She's also short enough to see up my skirt. Also caught me groping Hank's butt and made a fool out of me in front of everyone.

**Day 81:** Venger stopped us from getting home. Worried about Hank.

**Day 84: **Getting real sick of the "Little Miss Sweetness and Light' image. After all, have this hemline, ought to flaunt it. Going to practice jumping up on horses to show off panties better. Turned invisible and groped Hank.

**Day 91: **Venger stopped us from getting home. Got confused and worried about Venger. Argh! This place is starting to get to me.

**Day 94: **Think the desert heat is getting to my head. Could swear this old smelly desert guy is mistaking me for his daughter. Starting to feel nervous. At least he's feeding us real food so maybe I won't complain.

**Day 95: **Saved the old git's real daughter. Feeling much less nervous now.

-Later-

Reward for saving his daughter was a private ride on the back of an elephant. Got to ride with just Hank. Good thing no one else saw or heard, definitely could have ruined my reputation this time!

**Day 105: **Saved yet another kingdom from certain destruction.

**Day 106 : **Looks like we're broke yet again.

**Day 110:** Diana has found a boyfriend! Hooray! Something to distract her. Was beginning to wonder about her every time I woke up and found her rubbing my feet. Like she wasn't buying the sweet, innocent act or something. Still, Kosar seems awfully... feminine. Er...I'm sure he's nice beneath the Michael Jackson haircut.

**Day 119: **What is up with Diana? Doing some of my finest worrying about her, but nothing cheers her up. I mean, this is my magnum opus of worrying. She doesn't even pay attention! Fine. I give up. Don't even care if she's stopped rubbing my feet when she thinks I'm sleeping.

**Day 127: **Tardos Keep. Interesting place, but I think Queen Solinara might be trying to out-sweet-and-innocent me. We'll see about that. If she plays it super-sweet one more time, will yank that blonde hair out by the roots.

-Later-

Hm. Turns out it was a blonde wig.

**Day 131:** Awww, 5th grade romance! Isn't Terri cuuuuuuuuute? She's had such a wonderful effect on Bobby! She's so sweet! She's so innocent! She's so...

Wait a minute. Can't have this. Will have to try to ditch her in that maze we have to go through.

**Day 139: **Bogbeasts. Gross, gross, gross, gross! Can't even keep up my sweet reputation around them, couldn't stop myself from saying these guys are gross and about as smart as they are handsome!

-Later-

Good Lord, is that ERIC?? Will laugh in diary, just can't laugh in his face and keep my sweet image.

**Day 161: **Bobby acting very hostile towards everyone. Keeps muttering something about "having the Club." Decided to throw him a surprise birthday party to cheer him up. Not sure what he did to those little critters that Eric gave him after he chased them into the woods. Better not to know.

Stupid Lizard Men crashed the party. Good thing I wasn't wearing my snakeskin-print thong, who knows what that might have inspired them to do? Unfortunately now am basking in prison. Diana draping herself all over Hank, not sure what that's about. Couldn't say anything, didn't want to come across as jealous. Instead paid a guy in the corner to make comments about Hank's tights to distract them.

**Day 162: **Bobby seems more relaxed now that he blew up volcano. Suspect he did other violent things without our adult supervision, but can't prove much. Still, he is in a better mood so now I can worry about more important things, like this little 'incident' of Hank trying to protect me from volcano debris. A bit too grabby, if you ask me. Well, if a guy's gotta get his jollies...

**Day 171: **Had a good scare today. Thought Hank was dead. Eventually got help from weird Victorian lady who smelled like elderberries and could do this real cool glowy trick. So glad that Hank is safe, feel like snuggling coyly with him tonight or welcoming him back with big gushing tears or...

Or...

Oh, to hell with the sweet, innocent routine. Give me a little privacy tonight and I'm going to screw his brains out.


	4. Diana

**The Secret Diary of Diana: **

**Day 1:** Going to the amusement park today! Maybe will talk Sheila into riding "Tunnel of Love"..? Or was I reading too much into her constant 'accidentally' walking in on me in the showers?

~ Later ~

Great. Sheila's bringing her little twerp brother. Nice move. Not!

**Day 2: **Way to go, Bobby...and I don't even *like* fantasy games. Still, bearskin bikini is HOT! She'll notice me for sure.

And check out Sheila's hemline. THANK YOU, DM!

**Day 5: **Stupid Sheila. She's obviously into Hank. What does she see in him? Eric'll probably kill her if she tries anything, though. Presto keeps bumping into me. Get a clue, bonehead!

Venger stopped us from getting home today. Worried about Sheila

**Day 7: **Heard Sheila murmuring something about needing chocolate...hope is not yet dead! Will arrange to have her accidentally walk in on me bathing again.

~ Later ~

Stupid Ranger. He did that on purpose.

**Day 11:** Contemplating ramming Hank's bow somewhere unpleasant if he doesn't knock it off. As IF! Of course, he keeps pestering Sheila, too. Find that amusing. What a lech.

In other news, have now laid to rest the question of whether Hank stuffs his tights. He doesn't. ROWRR!

**Day 12:** Eric still nancing about complaining about lack of haircare products and decent food in the Realm. Sheila complaining about lack of makeup, and how much Eric whines. Pot calling the kettle black? Sensing possibility of building sexual tension between them, contemplating how to best provoke them...

**Day 18:** Venger again. Very worried about Sheila...obvious she's digging Presto now. Stupid Presto.

**Day 20: **Notice how Uni seems to hang out more with the men...wonder if unicorn lore is the same in this world.

**Day 21:** Saved a bunch of unicorns from freaky pointy-headed wizard. Rode one. Unicorn lore DEFINITELY different in the Realm. Hehehe.

~ Later ~

Had golden opportunity to ditch Uni, but Bobby carried on too loudly and she found us again. Damn.

**Day 24:** Eric in a huff about Putrid Swamp incident. We all know Sheila did it. Saucy little wench!

**Day 32: **Presto has the hots for some girl named Varla. Glorious red hair, nightie....NO! I won't even go there...besides, Venger'll kill him if he tries anything.

~ Later ~

Drat. Venger has got to be the dumbest being on this planet. Idiot. Now get to watch Presto and Varla bounce around playing "guess the illusion."

**Day 34:** Cloud Bears. Is there no end to this torture?

**Day 35:** Cloud Bears used up their only defense against Venger. Have the comfort of knowing when he regenerates, he'll come back and fry the little buggers.

**Day 36:** Hank still in a huff about the Cloud Bear incident. Took Sheila for little stroll in the moonlight to comfort her, tried to convince her to join me in innocent skinnydipping, but she just laughed. Though she admitted she'd wondered what she'd look like in my bikini. One thing led to another...

**Day 37:** Guys still laughing over it. Stupid boys. Sheila not speaking to me. Fine by me- she's the one who vanished and left me alone in a compromising position- let's just say her minishirt was a little too mini for me.

**Day 58:** Rode a worm. Wonder if Sheila is getting it on with Sorlars. Ick. Now there's a nasty thought.

**Day 69: **Found a box after mysterious earthquake. Hank 'mysteriously' fell into a crack and nearly dashed out his brains. I think Uni tripped him on purpose. Got to watch out for that little bugger, I think she's smarter than she lets on. Presto sleeps with his hat on now, after catching her casting more spells with it. He wasn't sure what the spells were since nobody can understand the little twerp anyway.

**Day 70: **Zandora NOT helpful. I hate this world.

**Day 84: **Hank not speaking to Sheila. Wonder what happened...? Probably sick of seeing her panties. *I'm* sure not! Go Sheila!

**Day 85:** Eric not speaking to Sheila either. Presto looking nervous.

**Day 110:** Met Kosar. Oh-my-God. Has Michael Jackson even visited the Realm? So he's a little pale from ten years in a dungeon, will need a bath. Possibilities....will arrange to have him walk in on me bathing.

~ Later ~

Oh, yeah! We just gave "Stargazing" a whole new meaning. Go me!

**Day 111:** OK, so Kosar neglected to mention right off about his ex, Syrith. She's a little pissy. Well, so am I- honestly! Why DO all these magic-user types have crystal balls to spy with? The tornado was really inconvenient, but at least I got to wow Kosar with my acrobatics. Still, very concerned over lack of privacy in the Realm.

Wonder if Venger has a crystal ball.....?

**Day 112:** Diana saves a city from the demon. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Do the famous "Young Ones" appreciate that?! Noooooo. Diana stops us from getting home. I'll never live THAT one down. I hate this world.

**Day 120: **Sheila all pouty now that I have stopped giving her 'friendly platonic footrubs.' Grow up, girl! Go pester Hank!

Presto all paranoid about Bobby and Uni. What's up with that? No, I DON'T want to know after all...

**Day 131: **Can't stop thinking/talking about Kosar and the temple. Others don't understand. Wish I'd just sent the creeps home, ditched the city, and kept the magic. THAT would show 'em!

**Day 139:** Wonder if I am addicted to magic. Fantasizing about Venger's horse and fireballs. Found myself eyeing Presto's hat. Wonder if he is suspicious. Hope he doesn't think I like him...

In other news, Eric is a bogbeast. BWAAAA-HAAAAAAA!!!!!

**Day 140:** Eric stopped us from getting home. At least they're not on MY case anymore. Ha!


	5. Bobby

**The Secret Diary of Bobby **

**Day 1: **Just found out Sheila's going to the amusement park without me. We'll see about that! If she doesn't take me, I'll tell mom about her shoplifting habit. HA!

**Day 2:** Why the heck is everyone blaming ME? They should THANK me! No school, no parents, no homework, big monsters to pulverize....what else could you want?

Well, OK, food, maybe, but c'mon! It's an adventure!

On the plus side, outfit is kinda cool. THE CLUB ROCKS! I can't wait to destroy!

Oh, and there's this unicorn hanging around with us. I guess she's kinda cute. She annoys the daylights out of the others, so I'm keeping her. HA!

**Day 5:** Venger stopped us from getting home. Everyone seems fed up with my Scrappy-Doo impressions. "LEMMIE AT HIM! I'LL SPLAT HIM!" But they don't have THE CLUB! and they can't do a darn thing about it. HA!

Wish Sheila would stop hanging all over me. Big sisters are SOO annoying.

**Day 7:** Wish sis would stop mooning over Hank. This whole thing is bad enough without bringing her goo-goo eyes into it. Still, fun to pop in on them at inopportune times with Uni. He he he!

**Day 11: ***groan* Grownups are so lame. Will you all shut up about the tights already?

**Day 18:** Venger again. OK, he's the bad guy, right, but he's pretty rad all the same. Beginning to think fighting for 'forces of good' is pretty lame. Why can't I use my club on anything other than trees and rocks? That's stupid. I wanna see some blood!

**Day 20: **Beginning to suspect Uni a little smarter than she lets on.

~ Later ~

Nope, I was wrong. She's dumb as a post. But at least she can teleport. That's sorta cool.

**Day 21:** Almost ditched Uni, changed mind at last minute. She's too good at bothering Eric. HA!

**Day 25: **Wondering what the others would do if I flattened Eric? Would they mind?

**Day 32: **Varla's pretty cool. She made me look like The Terminator for a little while. Scared the hell out of Eric. A good day.

**Day 34: **Got caught by Venger. Hank off to bring the others. At least I won't have to watch Sheila going ga-ga over him anymore. She'll probably kick him in the nuts- wish I could see it! Maybe I can get to use my club on HIM? HA!

~ Later ~

Had long soulful chat with the Big V while Hank was away. We both discussed what we would like to bash with THE CLUB! We got a lot in common. He offered me a job, but I turned it down. He was probably kidding anyway- if he were serious, he'd'a let me off the hangy rack thing.

**Day 36:** HAAA HAAA HAAAAA!

Oh, man, I'm not even gonna tell you what I saw today!

HAAA HAAAA!!!

**Day 58:** Bit by a monster. You wouldn't believe what happened next. No, not the whole Sorlars stuff and Sheila and Queen Big Boobs Whatever. Vision Quest! I saw some things you wouldn't believe, dude- no, I'm not gonna tell you! Let's just say you want to stay on Bobby's good side, 'cause the Bobster is gonna be BIG in the near future. HA!

The others say it was all halwussyations or something. What-EVER. Don't be calling ME a wuss. I have THE CLUB!

**Day 69:** Uni IS smarter than she looks. Others don't have a clue. She nearly got rid of Hank today. Without him, we'll never get home...ah, well, there'll be other chances.

**Day 70: **Venger blasted the amusement park! RADICAL! Amost caught myself cheering him on, then remembered: am supposed to be a good guy. Rats. At least I kept us from getting home. Clubbed the bridge when nobody was looking. HA!

**Day 84: **What is UP with Sheila? Geez. Get a room, you two. There's innocent little minds present. Sheesh. Hank still oblivious. Besides, Eric'll kill her if she tries anything.

Wondering about Diana, too- she's all bitchy and keeps trying to peek at Sheila's panties. I'm hangin' out with a bunch of perverts!

Thank goodness for Uni...soft....sweet...

**Day 85: **Did I just write that?

**Day 110: **Met some girly-man named Kosar. Diana digs him. Diana suddenly all mellow now. Though she still slapped me for one too many "Thriller" references, and prancing around with one of Eric's gauntlets. HA!

**Day 112:** Diana stopped us from getting home. Thank goodness, thought we'd make it for sure that time. Whew! Uni and I are running out of ways to sabotage the portals.

**Day 120: **Wonder if Presto suspects us....? Uni had been spending too much time with the hat, not enough time with ME.

**Day 131: **Picked up stupid new chick and her smelly dog. She's UGLY and STUPID! I hate all girls! Besides, Uni'd kill me if I tried anything.

~ Later ~

Ok. so she's not so bad. She can dream the future, I guess that's cool. She's still UGLY. And STINKY. And SUCH a wuss! What a crybaby!

**Day 132: **Will crack some heads if the jokes don't stop...

Obvious Terry's digging on me. Or maybe it's THE CLUB!

Kinda cool, really.

Maybe she ain't so stinky.

**Day 133:** Don't like the way Uni's eying Terry. She wasn't too keen on that little 'cuddlefest' in the flowers. Gross! I wasn't cuddling, I didn't even TOUCH her! UGH!

Ok, maybe she ain't so ugly. Stupid as dirt, though- who charges a dragon and beats on it with their fists?  
Fine, BESIDES me. But *I* have THE CLUB!

Maybe Terry wants the club.....?

**Day 134: **Tossed her though the portal, though was sorely tempted to give her to Venger after all. But at least we had excuse to blast the portal. Stole her locket as she left, though. HA!

**Day 160: **The others have been captured by Venger- on my freakin' birthday! Don't know whether to thank him or beat him up. Suppose I must rescue them. *sigh*

Hey- this means I can use THE CLUB any way I want! This'll be fun...

**Day 161: **Beat up on lizardmen. Felt good!

Total kills: 17

Wounded: 36

Don't mess with The BARBARIAN, HA! [long section with gory details erased] Oops. Don't want to find out. Hope DM doesn't find out either.

**Day 162:** DM watching entire time in magic birthday amulet. Oops. Had to listen to lectures for hours until I shoved it into my pants. THAT shut him up.

Am very concerned at lack of privacy in the Realm.

On the plus side, blew up a volcano! Happy birthday to me!


	6. Hank

**The Secret Diary of Hank**

**Day 1:** Going to the amusement park today. Hope Sheila will ride the 'Tunnel of Love.' Maybe will get lucky tonight. Assuming she doesn't bring annoying twerp of a brother along. Hate pretending that I like that brat, but have to or else won't score with Sheila. Score any points, I mean. I mean earn any favors. Oh, you know what I mean.

**Day 2: **Stupid Bobby.

On up side, have cool studded leather armor to compliment chiseled, muscular physique, and butt-kicking magic bow. On down side, keep hearing "Check out Robin Hood" whispered behind back. On up side, Sheila has GREAT hemline. On down side, probably won't be getting lucky for a while.

**Day 5: **Looks like I'm officially the leader of this group. Lots of responsibility, but chicks dig the leader. Yay me! Maybe will get lucky after all. Eric complaining that HE doesn't get to be leader. Eric hangs out a lot with Presto. Beginning to get suspicious of those two.

**Day 7:** Overheard Sheila's request for chocolate. Told her I didn't have any chocolate but had a nice lollipop she could suck on. Sheila kicks very hard in very inopportune places when offended. Perhaps will be better to pretend I'm just not interested until we get out of this place. Went to take a nice bath to feel better, accidentally discovered Diana bathing. Barely escaped with all parts intact.

**Day 8:** Discovered "Know Tree" grove by accident when Eric said he needed to make a 'pit stop' behind a tree. Fairly certain Eric will recover.

**Day 11:** Couldn't help it. Had to know. Lifted Sheila's skirt to see what color panties she was wearing. White?! Plain white?! What happened to the silk leopard print thong I gave her for Valentine's day?

In other news, tights have gone missing. Wearing Eric's cape as kilt until they can be found.

**Day 13:** Eric whining about hair care products and Sheila crying about makeup have alerted me to alarmingly distinct lack of mousse in Realm.

**Day 21:** Beginning to not trust baby unicorn. She doesn't seem to like my relationship with Silvermane. What's her problem? We just understand one another, one lead stallion of the herd to an... AHEM I mean one LEADER to another.

**Day 32:** What the hell's with Presto? Is he suddenly developing PMS and cramps or something? Beginning to get very suspicious. Just what is he hiding under that robe?

~ Later ~

Rummaged through Presto's bag while languishing in prison, looking for suspicious items like Midol. Didn't find any, but did find leopard-print silk thong. Slow burn coming on. Presto must just be pretending to like Varla to throw suspicion off.

**Day 34:** Venger not man enough to take us on directly, forces me to lie to friends. Have a feeling his grandiose plans are to make up for his lack of endowment. Suspect that Bobby had a long chat with Force of Evil while I was gone and is beginning to admire him. Will have to throw him off a cliff if this gets out of hand.

Venger also has very bad B.O.

**Day 36: **Noticed Sheila feeling blue about Cloud Bears and everything, decided to follow her to 'comfort' her. Thought it might be a nice night to stroll under the stars and maybe get lucky after all. Didn't find Sheila, but did find Diana wearing Sheila's costume and apparently performing tricks with herself. Not sure what that was all about, does not bear thinking about it. Bobby still laughing. Eric extremely jealous.

**Day 44:** Presto sent us to Beanstalk-land to face a giant today. Plan on shoving that hat where sun don't shine if he does anything even half that stupid again. Also wishing for unabridged book of Shakespeare to force-feed him if he doesn't learn how to recite decent, rhyming incantations soon.

**Day 51:** That unicorn is plotting against us all. I know it.

**Day 58: **Bobby nearly died today. Considered not finding cure to end that annoying brat's antics, but realized that would be the end of any chance of getting lucky with Sheila.

Eric almost got married to a woman who defies the law of gravity. Not too happy about this, no way will Eric get lucky in this Realm before me! Old lech asked Sheila to marry him today and be his Queen. Not happy about this either. Sheila politely refused, but then I took the old geezer out behind his palace for a little 'discussion' about hitting on Sheila. He won't have use for a queen for a long time! Ha ha ha!

**Day 69:** Uni tried to kill me today. Tripped me and knocked me into a crevasse after an earthquake. Got to watch my back from now on. Can't trust that little monster. Beginning to think Bobby's relationship with Uni is unnatural.

**Day 73:** Uni stabbed Eric in the butt with her horn today. Maybe the little twerp isn't so bad after all. Got a little concerned upon hearing Bobby whisper to her: "You would have made Venger proud!"

**Day 84:** Sheila showing off panties today. Fairly certain that she groped me while invisible. Hate it when she teases me like that. Not going to speak to her until she promises not to stop at just teasing.

**Day 95:** Rescued Bobby. Again. Stupid Bobby. On the upside, also rescued a Khadisian Princess. Was rewarded with a good dinner and a long ride in a private howdah with Sheila on the back of some sort of elephant creature. Ha! Don't have to worry about Eric getting lucky in the Realm before me any more! Go me!

**Day 110:** Keep expecting Diana's new boyfriend to break out in a chorus of "Beat It." Got a good laugh out of Bobby's "Thriller" impression. Maybe that kid's okay after all. Still don't trust the unicorn. Eric acting very jealous.

**Day 121: **Presto conjured a pile of scissors today. Not sure why. Heard Eric whining that "Those aren't parsnips, you dummy, we can't use those!" before stalking off to sulk. Not sure what they wanted parsnips for. Don't want to think about it.

**Day 127:** Went to Tardos Keep today. Suspicious of the plants they grow in garden. Don't think it's the Dragonbane they're trying to hide from Venger. On the upside, know why they're all so happy around here.

Solinara showed us certain door and said, "This is where Venger lost a great deal of face." Not sure what she means by this.

~ Later ~

Discovered what she meant by Venger losing face. Found severed, bluish facial feature preserved in jar of formaldehyde. Ick.

**Day 138:** Diana can please shut up about Kosar any day now. Get a grip, he's NOT coming back! Grabbed Sheila and gave her a big wet kiss on the mouth just to annoy Diana. It worked. Eric still very jealous. Think he might be trying to think up a way to 'comfort' her.

**Day 139: **Tried to kill that unicorn in the desert today before she had another chance to kill us all. Tried to make it look like an accident but the plan backfired. Pretended my bow was trying to tell me something so I could hit her with an arrow but we all fell into a sinkhole!

On the upside, Eric is never going to get lucky with a face like that! Ha!

**Day 161:** In prison. Bobby will have to rescue us. So glad we brought that wonderful young man with us! Temperature very high in this prison. Diana came up to me and said "I'm so hot!" I agreed before realizing she was not talking about temperature. Can't get her off my arm now. Sheila not speaking to me. Met knight named 'Strongheart' who keeps making comments about my tights.

**Day 162: **Copped a great feel when 'protecting' Sheila from flying volcano debris.

In other news, Bobby seems to get a thrill out of stuffing magic amulet in shorts. Better keep eye on that kid.

**Day 171: **Got dematerialized and kidnapped by some sort of Darkling creature. The others found some weird Victorian lady and came to my rescue. What the hell is this thing she has for a pet? A Tribble? A Furby? Sheila very happy to see me safe. Big hug, lots of sniffles, and great relief, can mean only one thing: Am getting lucky tonight! Go me!


	7. Rahmoud

**The Secret Diary of Rahmoud**

**Day 1: **Crowned King today after unfortunate death of father who slipped in marble bath and cracked his skull. Hope no one questions how that bar of soap got in the bath, hee hee hee!

**Day 2:** Ah, 'tis good to be King! Power, prestige, a harem of nubile young women, gold and riches out the wazoo! Did I mention the nubile young women?

**Day 4:** Realized kingdom expects me to rule. Guess can't enjoy nubile young women 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Grr.

**Day 17: **Grand Vizier is an irritating sycophant with delusions of military grandeur. And he smells like elderberries. Will send him to Dustlands on 'mission of great importance' to find 'Tumbleweed of Moderate Virtue', just to get him to shut up.

**Day 93: **Getting pretty good at this King stuff. Have earned great respect and love amongst the kingdom. Still prefer harem of nubile young women.

**Day 141:** Didn't know there really was a 'Tumbleweed of Moderate Virtue,' thought I just made that up to be rid of Grand Vizier. Turns out he found it. What to do now?

**Day 159: **Shoved Grand Vizier down stairs today. Made all the better when he crashed into Chef carrying tonight's desserts. Pretended it was accident. Sorry to see desserts go. Consoled myself in harem of nubile young women.

**Day 431: **Pass around the hookah pipes, it's a bouncing baby... girl? Hm. Rather embarrassing. Would have preferred male heir. No matter, female heir will do in a pinch, but plenty of opportunities to make a male heir in the future. Better get busy...

**Day 793:** What is this? 15,375 attempts, and no male heir yet? Very embarrassing situation. Suspect 'Mr. Macho' Grand Vizier is snickering behind my back. Thinking about making up a story about the important mission to find fictional 'Cactus of Exceedingly Correct Manners' to send him out of Khadish again. Can always distract him that way. He seems to enjoy 'very important missions.'

**Day 854: **Nice day. Strolled through the city, counted treasure, dressed up for a few hours in finest silk robes, spent rest of day in harem of nubile young women. 'Tis good to be King!

**Day 868: **What the hell am I supposed to do with this 'Cactus of Exceedingly Correct Manners'?

**Day 4078:** I give up. Still no male heir. Beginning to suspect problem is not in harem of nubile young women. Grand Vizier must somehow be at fault. Better just name Aiyesha as heir and be done with it.

**Day 4079:** Argh! Just decide to name daughter as heir, and she gets herself kidnaped! Found hastily scribbled note tacked to her pillow: "Help, Daddy! I am being drug off through a portal by a creature who calls himself the Night Walker, who expects me and hundreds of other children like me to hold back the hands of time so he does not die in his city in the Underworld!"

Honestly, that child's grammar is atrocious.

Did the math. Only child kidnaped. 81,550 attempts and still no other children to name heir. Odds of male heir not looking good. Nuts. Better go rescue Aiyesha.

**Day 4083: **Stupid Grand Vizier! "No, my King, you can't use your armies! You can't use force! We must use stealth and subtlety to find the Night Walker. We must disguise ourselves as caravan merchants and roam the desert looking for the path to find her!" Not sure why I agreed. Wouldn't be so bad if the Grand Vizier didn't insist on dressing up in Desert Camouflage and saying "Yo," constantly.

Didn't get to say a proper farewell to harem of nubile young women, either.

**Day 5011: **Grand Vizier insists on being called 'Desert Eagle.' Now beginning to understand why he enjoyed hunting for Tumbleweed of Moderate Virtue and Cactus of Exceedingly Correct Manners so much. Is it the sun, maybe? Or is Grand Vizier just normally crazy and I've just been too distracted by harem of nubile young women to notice?

**Day 5016: **Stopped at a crevasse a mile deep. Tested to see if Grand Vizier could live up to nickname and fly like eagle. Turns out he can't. Hee hee hee!

**Day 5018: **Perhaps was not such a bright idea to shove Vizier off cliff. Now have no clue how to get back to Khadish. Doomed to wander desert forever in smelly caravan merchant clothes? Still haven't found daughter or Night Walker. Things looking bad.

On up side, have developed nice outdoorsy tan.

**Day 5066: **Met some pupils of Dungeon Master. Learned some new phrases from place called 'Earth' like "Knock their socks off" and "Hot stuff." Unfortunately kids got eaten by sand sharks. Stupid kids. Dungeon Master needs to find smarter pupils next time.

**Day 5093:** Growing hoarse shouting "Aiyesha" over and over. Should have named her something short like "Sue" or "Jane."

**Day 6840: **Met another group of Dungeon Master's pupils. This group seems a bit smarter, with possible exception of Master Eric. Hm... Sheila may not be a dead ringer, but she does resemble Aiyesha. Maybe can convince her to wear long black wig, give her some of Aiyesha's toys, then can go back to Khadish and tell everyone Aiyesha was found. No one will argue since she hasn't been seen in eight years. Resemblance will be close enough. Maybe can convince other kids to return to Khadish too, then can tell everyone these are my other children, hidden away at birth and now returned? Then will finally have male heir and people will stop snickering about 'limp masculinity' behind back. Sounds like a plan. Will have to start calling them 'my children' now to get them used to idea.

~ Later ~

Can't believe it! Kids managed to find portal to Night Walker's city in less than a day! How stupid does that make me look? Must go on rescue mission now, though much preferred plan of posing Sheila as Aiyesha. Much less dangerous.

**Day 6841: **Have daughter back! Fortunately daughter has excellent sense of direction, can get us back to Khadish! Rewarded Dungeon Master's pupils with excellent dinner, then gave them smelliest of creatures in caravan as rides. Felt generous and included howdahs on beasts' backs for kids to ride in. Glad to be rid of stinky animals, plus kids seemed happy to have them. Very amusing to watch Master Eric attempting to steer beast. Clear the desert when Master Eric is driving! Ha ha ha!

Still, would rather have had kids return to Khadish and pose as my children, would have done wonders for image. But can't have everything. Returning to Khadish today. Will be nice to take bubble bath again. Beginning to get a little ripe after 8 years in desert.

**Day 6844: **Returned to Khadish, reclaimed throne and riches and harem of nubile though not-so-young-anymore women. Only minimum amount of bloodshed to rid throne of pretender who had claimed it in my absence. Cleaning staff will have it mopped up by dinner time.

**Day 6845: **Ah, 'tis good to be King again! Once again have power, prestige, bath water, gold and riches out the wazoo! On down side, believe the women in harem are starting to unionize. Still, is good to be home!

I wonder how Dungeon Master's pupils enjoyed the howdah rides?


	8. Presto

**The Secret Diary of Presto:**

**Day 1:** Friendly acquaintances from school have politely requested my presence on an outing to the local amusement park. Would prefer to not attend, am busy working on 100-page extra credit Science project detailing the unstable nature of a wormhole I have detected as it appears on random occasions in our solar system. However, parental units insisting I go, using tired cliches of 'socializing' and 'fresh air doing me good.' Will agree to diversion to eliminate parental harping, but will take handheld computer to continue research while standing in otherwise boring lines for unexciting rides and overpriced, artery-clogging food.

**Day 2: **Perhaps bringing handheld computer was in poor judgement. Believe that calculations done on Dungeons and Dragons ride, in conjunction with PDA broadband signal, unexpectedly triggered wormhole to open in vicinity of roller coaster car.

However, new world yields unexpected treasure trove of geological, botanical, and zoological discoveries. Unfortunately, most zoological specimens seem unusually interested in consuming Homo Sapiens. Strangely, so do many botanical specimens.

Very angered by old man who is probably suffering from some sort of dwarfism. In telling us how we ultimately fit into this world, assigned me the role of "Magician." Obviously this is a backward planet in which science is still mistaken for magic. Terribly displeased. However, this inexplicably magical item I have been granted will prove to be incredibly easy to utilize. Trick is to improvise a well-metered, closely rhyming, and cunningly-worded incantation. Fortunately have memorized the entire Shakespeare canon, fine poetry is child's-play for one such as myself.

**Day 3:** Malnutrition becoming definite possibility in this strange land. Suspect that acquaintances will never master techniques of hunting or fishing. Have been requested to make attempt at "pulling something out of my hat" to consume for evening meal.

~ Later ~

Feast of roast chicken, rolls, corn and apple pie immensely simple to produce. However, hat also generated stuffing with rather odd-looking mushrooms. Felt it was inappropriate to serve until further research could be done to verify edibility of unknown fungus.

**Day 4:** Oh, yesh, 'shrooms highly edibibble. An' look at all them pretty colors, too...

**Day 5: **Paranoid delusions. Thought I was being attacked by leopard. Turns out it was a leopard-print thong hanging on a branch to dry with other laundry we had just washed. Must belong to one of the girls. Probably Diana, looks too racy for innocent Sheila. Better hide it before she finds I was fighting with it. Very paranoid about whole affair. Better see if the magic hat can produce something to calm me down.

~ Later ~

Oh, yeah... duuuuuuude, plenty calm now. I am the marshmallow cloud that floats above the pond of wet water, and we are all one with the Universe. Aw, Eric, I love ya, man!

**Day 7:** Chocolate? Can I make chocolate? Um, no, but I can make these great mushrooms... an' I don't think I wanna share...

**Day 11:** Can't find them tights. Hm, maybe I can after all. Maybe 'shrooms will give me a vision. Yeah, dude...

**Day 14:** Sheila an' Eric an' Hank wanted me to make shome mousshe and shunscreen an' haircare producsh pop outta my hat. Couldn't do it. Shakeshpeare never invented no rhyme for 'Coppertone'. Shaid shomething 'bout 'make shomethin' _for those three_,' but I sorta slurred it an got 'shomething_ peyote_.' Thish hat ish way cool. Oh, man, I love ya, hat! An' I love ya, Eric, for shuggeshting it!

**Day 18: **Seeing things. Can't quite remember what happened today. Kept having weird visions of a blue guy with wings and a horn on his head. Did anyone besides me see him? He was way scary, dude. Weirded me out big time. Thought I could go for some comfort food afterwards. Hat made brownies. They were okay but they had these green flakes in them.

Sheila said something about maternal instinct this evening. Couldn't quite understand what she meant. Thought she was talking about being a mom and all that. Told her that breastfeeding is like mother's milk, dude. She got all huffy and walked off. Hey, man, I love ya, Sheila, but if you were trying to tell me you want a kid, you better go talk to Hank, 'cause I know that Hank would kill me if I tried anything. Maybe I oughtta just have another brownie.

**Day 21:** Whoa. Gotta lay off these brownies. Starting to see all sorts of funny stuff. Thought I was surrounded by unicorns and running from pointy-headed scary dudes.

**Day 24:** They think I'm crazy. They think I'm seeing things. I'm not paranoid, they really are out to get me!

**Day 32:** Aw, riiiiiight! This here's a halluc'nashun I can deal with! Pretty girl in a nightie! Duuuuuude, all is right with the world!

~ Later ~

AAAAAAAAH! Locked in prison without hat! Can't make any more of those tasty mushrooms! AAAAAAH! Coming down! Terrible withdrawal! AAAAAAAAH! Delusions! Pain! Make it stop!

Saw Hank rummaging through my bag, maybe he was trying to find something to make withdrawal symptoms go away. Pulled something out that wasn't mushrooms. Blacked out then. Dunno what it was. Think he was being attacked by a leopard.

**Day 33:** You know the girl in the nightie? Well, she's really real! I wasn't just seeing her, I really WAS seeing her, and now everyone thinks I'm seeing her or something. This is, like, so cool! And she can make like the most radical visions! Dude!_ Without _'shrooms! She's a kindred spirit, dude. Wonder what she could make if I gave her some of this green flaky stuff my hat conjured?

**Day 34:** Dude, this is way bad, dude. Somebody musta done something to my hat. Now I'm seeing scary lizard dudes and freaky teddy bears and they're alive and they have lots of fruit and nuts and, like, stuff. Or maybe this is the Teddy Bear's Picnic? Yeah! Cool!

Um, are we missing someone?

**Day 36:** Ohhhhhh, yeah... I have had like THE coolest vision of Diana in Sheila's tunic. Yeah, it was waaaaay too small for her! Whoa, dude, SCHWING! I love ya, Diana! Man, oh, man, I gotta remember what kinda Scooby Snacks I conjured today, gotta get some more of those!

**Day 41: **Eric is just soooooo cool in those threads that Dungeon Master fixed him up with. He's so brave with that shield and stuff. Not like me. I am like a chicken. A rubber chicken. A rubber chicken hanging off the rearview mirror of Life's car. We are all one with the pavement, dude. Man, I love ya, Eric!

**Day 44: **See? Now I'm justified! _Everyone_ saw the giant beanstalk and the big guy with the Brooklyn accent, not just me. I'm not going crazy like everyone says!

Everyone's getting kind of crabby. They say my intanc... incanat.. incanterat... my spells suck. Hank told me he was gonna force feed me some book by some guy named Shaking Spear or something. Dunno who that is. Hank needs to relax, dude! Maybe I oughtta give him some of my brownies?

Nah, then everyone'd want one.

**Day 58:** Hm, Yellow Dragon, kinda looks like some of them mushrooms I magicked up. I wonder if you can smoke it? Can't seem to get it away from Hank, he got kinda suspicious when I tried to pull his belt off. Told me to keep my hands outta his tights. Aw, man, that's okay Hank, I love ya anyway!

~ Later ~

Me an' Bobby had a nice time hangin' and chillin' out. Turns out the bite that monster gave him is, like, way more cosmic than anything I pulled outta my hat. Wish I could get some of its venom to see for myself, but I guess the thing, like, died or something. No biggie, I love ya anyway, Bobby! And I love Eric 'cause he really knows when to run from a bad relationship!

**Day... Um... Lost Count Somewhere: **I saw giant wasps. Oh, man, talk about terror! They were so scary! Eric tried to keep me from going down there but I did anyway! Oh, man, I love ya, Eric, at least you tried! And I know you love me! But you know what? Everyone else saw them wasps too. And funny little short people. And frog people. And the blue guy with wings. Everyone saw them all. Even Uni. Beginning to wonder if Uni isn't borrowing my hat when I'm not looking and making 'goodies' for everyone else so they can see my little friends too?

Am very mad that my friends compared me to Eric's laundry hanging on the line. What does that mean, we're 'both strung out?'

**A Couple Days After That:** Oh, yeah! I have it! It is all so clear! I understand life, the Universe, and EVERYTHING! The secret is... is... um, something or other... Wish that scary blue guy with the wings and the horn would stop following me!

**A Week Or So Later:** Man, I love you, Eric! No reason, I just love you! And Eric loves me, too! Everybody sing! I love you, you love me...

**A Couple Weeks Later:** Rescuing a Princess is nice. Eating Arabian-style food is nice. Sleeping in a tent in the desert is nice. But you know what's the best part? Hookah pipes! I tell ya, all this time I thought they just had tobacco in them! Oooooooh, yeah, never knew what I was missing!

**Time Has No Meaning For Me:** Oh, God, please... this is the worst trip I've ever been on! Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson is haunting me! And he's hitting on Diana! Get him away! Get him awaaaaaaaaayyy!!

**A Couple Days After That:** Oh, man, I just love ya, Eric! You are like so my idol! Even if I did kinda piss you off today. You said you love me too, and you thought that such close guy friends ought to go off alone and play together in the woods. Fine by me, even the part about wanting a pile of parsnips for us to play with. Okay, so I didn't get parsnips. Everybody keeps telling me my spells suck. But I love ya anyway, Eric!

Hm. Parsnips. You can 'snip' with a pair of scissors. Maybe that's where I screwed up. Dude. Bummer.

**Days, Weeks, I Don't Know:** Tardos Keep. Kinda boring, if the freaky blue guy with wings wasn't trying to follow me in here. Hank told me that he was suspicious about the plants in the garden. Said he didn't think it was the Dragonsbane they were worried about hiding. Better go investigate for myself.

~ Later ~

Bbb... bbb... bbb... bbb... bbb... bbb... bbb... bbb... bbb... bbb... bbb... bbb...

**The Purple of Octember:** I don't get it. How does Terri do it? I don't see her eating mushrooms or brownies or anything and she still has weird psychedelic dreams! Not fair! She won't tell what she's doing to have those dreams! Hm, maybe it's the dog's flea powder?

**The Day After Purple: **Nope, definitely not the flea powder. Bleah.

**The Eleventieth: **Another bad one. Coulda sworn Eric's face melted and he looked like a frog.

**Stardate 40217.3:** Made a great green cake today. Was even going to share. Bobby's birthday and all. Man, I love ya, Bobby! But everyone told me that 'lizard men' crashed the party and wrecked the cake. Bummer. But I think the truth is that everyone ate it and didn't share with me. There's no such thing as lizard men!

**Today:** Last night I saw, upon the stair, a little man who was not there. He was not there again today! Oh, how I wish he'd go away!

**Whatever Day It Is:** The Scarecrow has stepped out of Oz, and he is evil and scary and, like, stuff. Oh, duuuuuude, enough of this! You can't mess with Oz, man! I gotta stop this! I gotta get this out of my system. This has been one awful weekend! That's it, I stop now. And then all these visions and blue men with wings will go away, and when I wake up tomorrow I'll be nice and clear-headed and ready to go to school. Maybe Mom will even make me a bologna sandwich to pack for lunch.


	9. Eric

**The Secret Diary of Eric: **

**Day 1:** Have agreed to accompany friends to my amusement park today. Has lost its charm since Daddy gave it to me last birthday, but there's a new ride to try. Will enjoy using rank privileges to impress girls and cut ahead to head of line. Hope Sheila doesn't bring obnoxious little brother along again.

**Day 2: **Fully intend to pursue lawsuit against TSR, Gygax, and everyone else involved in construction of aforementioned ride immediately upon return. Stuck in a perfectly BEASTLY alternative universe of some kind. Will not accept credit cards or cash of any kind. Taking orders from Stumpy is bad enough, but my garb- my ONLY garb- consists of (get this) chain mail. In primary colors, no less. Garb of women indecent- not that I'm complaining. But pink and teal on a redhead? DM fashion-impaired, or perhaps colorblind.

**Day 3: **Hank too busy ogling girls to make good decisions or listen to practical advice. I suggested ditching two youngest members (boy and unicorn). Said he'd never score with Sheila if he did that. Prat.

On second thought, unicorn may serve us well as last-ditch food source.

The boy too, for that matter.

**Day 8:** Unfortunate incident with Know Trees. Must now bribe DM for treatment of embarrassing bite marks. Fortunately, DM has a soft spot for tall boys in chainmail.

**Day 11:** Found where missing cape was. I'm sure they all think they're ever so amusing. Ha ha.  
Also learned Straight Boy doesn't stuff his tights. Mrowr.

**Day 12: **I tell you, this world is simply BARBARIC. Not a decent barber to be found. Or pharmacy, for that matter. Must remember to privately consult DM for treatment of chain mail-induced rashes in embarrassing places. How I detest this world.

**Day 15:** Forced to save a kingdom from certain destruction. If you can call such a tacky pseudo-medieval reject a 'kingdom.' Still, money in it for us!

**Day 16:** Hope others don't find out about the money. DM is such a rat. Said it'd take far more than THAT to bribe him for a way home. He kept it anyway, the little skunk.

**Day 18:** Venger stopped us from getting home today.

Perhaps HE is the one to bribe.

**Day 21:** Saved saccharin-sweet Valley of Cliché from evil pointy-headed wizard. No way home for us here, of course. Had golden opportunity to ditch Bobby and Uni, but Sheila carried on too loudly and they found us again. Damn.

**Day 23: **Spent dreamy afternoon in fantasy of hitting Sheila with a big fat lawsuit...then remembered what they DO to lawyers in this world. Still, a boy can dream...

**Day 29:** Venger stopped us from getting home today. Not an easy man to approach. Must see DM privately for treatment of burns in embarrassing places.

**Day 32: **Suspect Presto turning into flower-child- smelled strange odor emanating from hat. Perhaps it's the influence of that hippie chick we rescued from Venger today? Definitely altered personality- no way I'd pay him to do my physics homework now.

**Day 34: **Stupid orcs. Were supposed to kidnap ME for a private chat with Venger. Got Hank and Bobby instead. Left us fighting for irritating granola-slinging Teddy Ruxpins. On the plus side, we might be rid of Bobby...

~Later~

Well, we have Bobby back. Have given up on bribing Venger, as Ruxpin incident has soured potential business relationship. On the plus side, Sheila and Hank have cooled it off a bit, no more goo goo eyes.

**Day 35:** Wish Diana would stop making goo-goo eyes at Sheila. Ugh.

**Day 36:** Wish Presto would stop with the goo-goo eyes at me. That's just not right.

**Day 37: **Wish Bobby would stop with the goo-goo eyes at Uni. That ought to be illegal.

**Day 58:** Propositioned by Queen who defies law of gravity. Accepted to piss off Hank. And because she's loaded. Perhaps this world not so bad……

**Day 59: **No, this world is still bloody ####ed up. Bride-to-be now Bride of Frankenstein.

In other news, Bobby survived. Damn.

**Day 69: **The ineptitude of my comrades is legendary. Uni's attempt on Hank's life failed miserably, but nobody noticed by me. Don't even get me started on Sheila……

Note to self: must meet DM privately about embarrassing stink.

**Day 70: **Daddy will be furious about damage to our park, but I admit it amused the hell out of me to imagine his confusion when they view the surveillance tapes tomorrow morning.

**Day 95: **Just because Hank was too busy trying to score with Sheila behind a sand dune to keep track of where we were does not make it MY fault that we're lost!

Note to self: must bribe DM for a decent sunscreen, and ointment for sunburns in embarrassing places.

**Day 105:** Saved another kingdom today.

**Day 106: **Not my fault! Those dice were loaded! Had to beat myself up this time to provide plausible excuse for missing cash.

Note: must see DM for treatment of bruises in embarrassing places.

**Day 111:** Diana hooked up with Kosar last night. Am beginning to think I will never get laid. Even Presto-the-Pothead is starting to look good.

In other news, saved city from certain destruction.

**Day 112:** Broke again. Not my fault! Damned prostitutes waited until I was asleep……and the law enforcement in his world is totally useless and downright unsympathetic. Referred to local whoremaster's guild for resolution of issue. They have a guild for that?

**Day 115:** Filthy barbaric world! Note to self: see DM privately for treatment of...er...itchy spots in embarrassing places.

**Day 121: **Presto cozied up to me unexpectedly today, offering me suspicious brownies. Offered to show him my parsnip trick. Idiot conjured up scissors instead. Reminded of why I loathe junkies, wandered off for a good long sulk.

Note to self: see DM for treatment of sprained hand.

**Day 139:** Most embarrassing incident today. Supposed "friends" had a field day. Refuse to talk about it. DM refused to treat this particular malady because of some damned prophecy or another. Irritating little bugger.

**Day 161: **Stuck in beastly hot prison. Diana digging on Hank, what's with that? Sheila looks furious. V. amusing. Wonder if Sheila might be interested in some vengeance-sex...?

**Day 162:** Hank reasserted claim on Sheila by copping feel during volcano eruption. Am glad I am above such petty subterfuge.

**Day 192: **Met poor orphan named Lorne. Poor orphan status means little chance of litigation later. Lucky me! Will offer to show him parsnip trick, though we shall have to substitute stolen baguette instead.

~Later~

So we had a slight misunderstanding and now he's run off in a huff. Others sent me off after him. But first must bribe DM to treat amulet-induced burn wounds in embarrassing places.

**Day 193: **Stupid obsessive spooky wizard caught us "making up"...then Venger showed up, and then my friends, and DM, and a whole freaking caravan of gypsies, and...ARGH! Is there no privacy in this world? It doesn't matter anyway, the little bastard was just using me- left me for some saucy gypsy wench, who chased me away with a meat cleaver. Suspect him of illicit romance with Diana as well, as she's looking both smug and surly, and no longer whining about Kosar.

Worst day ever. I hate this world.


	10. Uni

The Secret Diary of Uni

**Day 1**: Baaaaaaah!

**Day 2**: Meeeeeh!

**Day 5**: Meeeh, baaaaaah naaaaaaa.

**Day 7**: Meh heh heh heh heh....

**Day 9**: Meh?

**Day 10**: Baah! Baaaah, meeh neeeee!

**Day 11**: Mehhh- oh, bloody hell, I can't keep this act up forever. Guess I can let my hair - or should say my _mane_ - down in my secret journal, just have to make sure no one else ever sees it or they'll get suspicious. Ah, it feels good to be using real language again. Feel like an idiot running around bleating like a goat. Of course, these stupid kids are even bigger idiots for not realizing that unicorns don't bleat like goats, they whinny like horses. Most regrettable error on my part. Now I have to keep it up, don't want the kids noticing any change in behavior that might tip them off.

Gods, what kind of stupid-ass name is_ Uni_? Twerp with the club couldn't come up with anything original, could he? Nooooooo. The things I have to put up with. But I'll tolerate it, and I _will_ get those Weapons!

**Day 14:** This is turning out to be more difficult than I thought. Oh, sure, the kids trust me and love me and adore me and don't suspect I'm anything more than a cute little unicorn, but so far, no opportunity to steal their Weapons when they're sleeping. Blasted kids must be smarter than I thought, they set up a night watch system so one of them is awake and on guard at all times. There must be a way! I will have the Weapons of Power before Venger does!

**Day 20:** KELEK? By the Gods, what is he doing? I mean, I'm glad he reminded me that a unicorn should have the power to teleport, but what is that fool doing? What's he talking about, stealing my horn? Dammit, I can't shapeshift back into my normal form, he's got a magical bind on me! KELEK, YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT, DON'T YOU EVEN RECOGNIZE YOUR EX-WIFE?

Probably not. For all his kinkiness, he never once had me shapeshift into a unicorn. Kelek, you will pay for this, I swear it!

**Day 21:** I... I can't believe it. Those stupid kids actually came to my rescue, despite the risk to themselves. They must really... care about me. And now, we're in such a beautiful place, surrounded by _real _unicorns, I never knew that the Realm could be so lovely, that people could be so kind... it's like a wonderful new outlook on life!

~ Later ~

Stupid kids. They were trying to distract me with Unicorn Valley so they could ditch me. I'll have to kill them for that. At least Mr. Smash-it made enough of a scene that I heard them before they got away.

On the upside, my ex is dead! Or at least trapped in a blue bubble somewhere beneath the ground! Yay me!

**Day 24: **You know, the Barbarian kid's kinda cute, actually. And he really seems attached to me. Plus, and this is the real bonus, he's confided in me that he's secretly destroying the portals to their world so he can stay here and smash things! All the better to keep the Weapons from slipping from my grasp! I'm beginning to think at least that one's okay. Too bad he'll be the first one I have to kill when I seize the Weapons for myself.

**Day 41**: That's it, kiddies, listen to the Cavalier prat nancing about in red robes today, then you'll find the way home. Yes, listen to him when he says you have to leave your Weapons here, that's right. Oh, and don't forget the big, gushing tears because you have to leave your dear little Uni behind. But I'll stay here like a good little unicorn, and keep your Weapons nice and safe after you've gone... and then the Realm shall bow to me and worship its terrible mistress!

~ Later ~

Blast you, Venger! Why did you have to show up then?! One more minute and the kids would have been gone! Then I would have had the Weapons for my own! What a surprise you would have had then! Meeeeeh, heh heh heh!

By the Gods, this guise is starting to get to me!

**Day 44**: IDIOT! Should never have cast that spell with the Magician's stupid hat! Now I have to watch it... afraid they're beginning to suspect!

**Day 48:** I thought sure I could get that idiot Sir John to lead them to their doom. Grrr... Beholders are remarkably incompetent. And Venger had to blow it again! Those kids would have gone home and I would have had the Weapons if he hadn't shown up! On the up side, the Barbarian seems more than happy to be working with me to destroy the portals when the kids aren't looking. Can't have them going through and leaving their Weapons behind with Venger in the area, he might get them first!

**Day 51: **It's official. Mr. I'm-A-Babe-Magnet-Studmuffin has broken out of his little 'Sheila Wants Me' world long enough to put two and two together. He's onto me. The Ranger has to die. Now.

**Day 56**: Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! When did Venger improve his aim enough to hit something? And of all things, he has to hit ME?! The shock alone nearly killed me. But at least I have made a great discovery! There are more Weapons than the ones that belong to these idiots I'm following around! I don't need to steal their Weapons any more! With the ones I have found here in the Dragon's Graveyard I can conquer the entire Realm!

~ Later ~

I can't believe it. "Come on, Uni, we're going home!" WITHOUT collecting any of the Weapons, I might add! Stupid, freakin' IDIOTS! Curse them all! There was nothing I could do, I certainly couldn't shapshift back into my normal form, not with both Dungeon Master AND Tiamat there. Argh! Now I have to keep tailing these kids to get their Weapons so I can re-open the portal. How frustrating! How miserable! I don't think I can put up with one more day of the Cavalier's poncing about. Hm, idea forming... maybe I can make a few 'arrangements' and get my half-sister Zinn to take him off my hands. (Or would that be, 'my hooves'?) Yes, if anyone could do it, she could! I know he would appreciate her big, huge, beautiful bags of money.

**Day 58:** Damn. Well, that didn't work. I could have sworn I warned Zinn about messing with shapeshifting powers when she didn't know what she was doing!

**Day 69: **What? The Ranger is still alive even after I tripped him into the crevasse? That fall should have dashed his brains out! How thick is that jerk's skull, anyway?

**Day 70**: Very bad scare. Kids went into Zandora's box WITHOUT leaving Weapons behind. Couldn't shapeshift or go after them with Zandora watching, she would have blasted me. Then Venger has to show up. Thought for sure that stubby little witch was going to just let Venger have the Weapons. In definite need of antacid after today.

Come to think of it, getting very sick of eating grass.

**Day 73:** A poem, to commemorate the fact that the excessive nancing was just too much, and I had to do something about it:

_Uni, the cuuuuuuuuuute unicorn,_

_Of Eric was getting quite worn._

_He said things so snide,_

_It wasn't hard to decide,_

_To stab his butt with her horn!_

That'll teach him! Go me!

**Day 82:** Maybe my approach is wrong. Perhaps I should consider shapeshifting back to my true and magnificent form and trying to distract the one person on the night shift with my womanly charms. Then when I have them under my power, I shall take the Weapons as the rest of them sleep! But who should it be that I seduce? The Ranger? No, he has the hots for the Thief. So does the Acrobat, come to think of it. The Magician? Doubtful, since nothing will distract the blathering idiot from his precious mushrooms.... though I will have to sample one of those some day and see what's so special about them. The Cavalier? Ha! He just is NOT the type to appreciate_ feminine_ wiles. The Thief? No, that one's far too sweet and innocent. Besides, that's just... ewww. So I guess that leaves my _dear_ friend, the Barbarian. And he's, what, nine? Double ewww. Besides, Sheila would kill me if I tried anything.

**Day 87**: Oh, my poor head... Had the chance to try one of the Magician's mushrooms today. He was roasting one over the fire and just tossed it away, suppose he thought he'd burned it. So I ate it when I thought no one was looking. Things got very strange then. Saw all these pretty lights and colors blasting out of a little box. Don't remember too much after that. Think I shape-shifted into a troll. Or was that someone else? By the gods, did I end up working WITH Venger?

**Day 111: **Met up with cousin Syrith today. Yuck. Half her face is stuck like a lizard's permanently. I distinctly remember warning her about messing with shapeshifting powers with no experience, too!

**Day 127: **Okay, this is ridiculous. Did they really think that this garland around my neck was what killed Demodragon? Hardly! I incinerated that creature with one glance! Ha! But I wonder just what this weed is that the gardener put around my neck. Think I might sample it and see what it is they grow in their garden. Looks rather tasty, to be honest.

**Day 128: **How is it that I wound up upside-down in the Magician's lap singing '99 Jugs of Ale on the Wall' and not being able to remember anything past 98?

**Day 139: **Oho, so it's come to this, Mr. Ranger? YOU'RE trying to kill ME before I can kill YOU, is that it? Hm, he must have figured out I was the one that shoved him in the way of Venger's blast in the ruins to the east of the Lost Tower of the Celestial Knights. How else could Venger hit anything? Ha! Still, must find a way to be rid of the Ranger once and for all. Barbarian is right, the other fools would not stand a chance of getting home without him. Time to make some more 'arrangements.' Will have to contact half-brother, the Darkling.

In other news, concern that Cavalier has developed shape-shifting powers of his own was abated after enduring far too much screeching for mortal ears to tolerate. Realized someone as poncy as him would have never intentionally shifted into something THAT ugly.

Narrow escape today. This is the second time the kids tried to go back to their world with their weapons. Panicked and went with them this time, had to find a way of making them come back to Realm. Fortunately was able to block the spell on the prat with the frog-face from wearing off long enough for them to convince themselves they had to return. Think now that one of those bogbeasts is taking a fancy to the Cavalier. Ha ha ha!

**Day 162: **Have changed my mind. After watching the Barbarian viciously smash lizard men to a bloody pulp, have decided to keep him as a pet.

**Day 171:** So close, so close! Half-brother Darkling was so close to ridding us of the Ranger, then he has to get himself killed by his busybody, gin-swilling cleaning lady! That's it, no more playing games! I'm going to shapeshift into my normal form and incinerate them all!

~ Later ~

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I lost track of time! I've remained in this form for too long! I'm stuck! I'm stuck as an annoying baby unicorn forever! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


	11. Orc 341

_**The Secret Diary of Orc #341**_

**Day 1: **Grr. Snarl.

**Day 2:** Me like new boss Venger. Boss Venger hire me and lots of other Orcs, him say we have to crush Dungeon Master's new pupils. Me no care about Young Ones, me just like snazzy new armor and big sword. Boss Venger let me chop many things. Chopping things fun.

**Day 4:** Me no like new boss Venger. Him make Orcs march twenty miles in one day. At least me think it was twenty miles. Me not able to count so good. Marching no fun. Snazzy new boots leave nasty new blisters.

**Day 11:** Me happy! Boss Venger say basic training over, now we have to destroy Young Ones with Weapons of Power. Me think great idea! Get to chop Young Ones with big sword! Snarl!

**Day 12:** Me not happy. Boss Venger never tell us chopping Young Ones involve marching to find them first. Grr.

**Day 15: **Three days marching. Or four? Not sure, not so good with numbers over two.

**Day 16:** Orcs finally see Young Ones that boss Venger talking about. Not very impressed. Six humans. Me think it six, anyway. Or maybe it forty-two? Big deal. More interested in baby unicorn with Young Ones. Me like to catch unicorn some day. Me thinking 'unicorn stew.' Unicorn stew very tasty.

Unfortunately, 'thinking' leave me with big headache.

**Day 17:** Me not happy. Young Ones get away. Boss Venger all cranky. Him come around barracks and kick all Orcs because him mad. Maybe life of vile servitude not all it cracked up to be.

**Day 18:** Bad news. Me check 'Vile Servitude Contract.' Me stuck in Venger's army for next ten years. Penalty for early withdrawal is one toe chopped off for each year not fulfilled. Me not like that idea. Me very fond of toes. Even if toes do have lint between them. Hm, maybe need to trim toenails too.

**Day 19: **Writing from hospital bed. That is last time me try to use big sword to trim toenails.

**Day 24: **Me still dreaming about Unicorn stew. What go good with big bowl of Unicorn stew is nice fat taters. That why Unicorn stew is mmm mmm good.

**Day 31:** Me see Young Ones up close today. Too close. Young Ones pretend to be Orcs to rescue pretty Illusionist. Young Ones look just like Orcs when try to save Illusionist. Me not even able to tell they weren't Orcs standing in same room with me and Venger and Illusionist. They look just like Orcs. Me can't figure out how they do that. Boss Venger all cranky when me ask, he say "Go ask the Illusionist." But me can't, she not here no more. Boss Venger not so bright sometimes.

**Day 33: **Okay, NOW me have some fun! Me catch one of Young Ones, and Blorg catch another, then we bring to Venger! Venger very very happy! Me not sure why Venger keep one Young One and let other go, but me not care! Me too happy with nice reward Venger give us! Socks! Nice wool socks stop blisters from snazzy boots!

Of course me not sure how Blorg share reward with me. Me say he get right sock, me get left sock. That seem fair. Blorg think not fair, he say Young One he catch was bigger than one me catch, he think he should get right AND left sock on weekends. Blorg just being pig.

**Day 37: **Boss Venger gone on mysterious 'leave of absence' after Cloud Bears give him pretty red stones. Him gone for day or two. Or is it seventy-nine? We have nice party and drink lots of wine from cellars, but then Boss Venger come back all mad, say something about 'Cloud Bear slippers,' and kick us all because him so mad.

Kick did not help hangover very much at all.

**Day 45:** Grr! Me almost had it! Me almost had Unicorn stew! Me had little Unicorn in hands, was drooling about stew like Momma used to make! So close! But Unicorn get away!

Oh, and Young Ones get away too. Boss Venger mad again. Him come around and kick us all again. Me thinking better hide sock or else Venger might take away.

Got to stop 'thinking,' wind up with very nasty headaches every time me do it.

**Day 57:** Boss Venger give us all Yule presents today. Me got another sock! Me not so sure what to do with it though, since it look like another left sock. Now me have two left socks and none for right foot. Venger must think he very funny.

**Day 71:** We go camping now. Boss Venger say bring tents and gear, we go camping in some place called Tardos. Camping sound like fun. Me like to roast rabbits over campfire. Though stupid wimpy Shadow Demon say now I have to kill them first.

**Day 72:** Boss Venger never say that camping mean we have to hike three days to Tardos. Boots not so snazzy any more but still make nasty blisters. Not sure what to do. Thinking about putting one left sock on right foot, but don't know what will happen if me do.

Big mistake 'thinking,' it give me another headache.

**Day 74: **We here at Tardos! Not very interesting, lots of sand and dust. Not much to do. Not much wood for campfire, but that okay because there not too many rabbits to roast either. No river to go swimming either, but me not mind. Swimming too much like bathing anyway.

**Day 96: **Me beginning to wonder when this camping trip over? Can only sing 99 Jugs of Ale on Wall so many times. Song might get more interesting if we can figure out what come before 97.

**Day 110:** Me make nice sand castle today, make it look like big building we camping by. Thought it was very nice. Blorg walk over and kick it down. Me not like Blorg any more. Me threaten to stuff sand down his shorts, but he say he kill me if I try anything.

**Day 114:** 96! 96 come before 97! Now if we figure out what come before 96, we got it made!

**Day 128:** Stupid Young Ones come and crash in on camping trip. This OUR camping spot, this OUR campfire, these OUR latrine pits, they go find own! We chase them away, they go into big building. Hm, big building kind of neat, me think me make a sand castle like that.

**Day 129: **Blorg stomp on sand castle again today. Then big dragon with two heads come by and stomp on Blorg. Very messy. That more than enough for me. Took Blorg's sock and ran. This last entry in diary, me defecting from Boss Venger's army and going into new line of work! Me thinking that 'wyvern herder' sound like interesting new career!

OW! 'Thinking' give me another headache. Got to stop doing that.


End file.
